By now, I think it’s pretty clear that I’ve been in a funk for a long time. While these posts are meant to express emotions, I refuse to display pity. That is far from the objective here.
With that said, I constantly fight with the idea of being too soft or too harsh in different situations. I usually look for different sides of a story and question myself for my decisions. If I decide to tell someone to “fuck off” I feel bad after and wonder if it was necessary, what that person is thinking, how can I (and, if I should) fix it. It’s an exhausting constant questioning. When they say that you are your own hangman, it’s no exaggeration.
Then I think that I have standards and that these are the ones that make me reject certain things or behaviors, but then I think, is it really standards? Or is it me being snobby? Ay! The confusion! And whether the response is positive or not so much, another pearl pops up, “I deserved it” or, “it’s better this way” or the fools’ consolation: “de algo malo he de haberme salvado”.
It’s tirering, how to escape one’s own mind? I’ve started to meditate. 10-15 minutes every morning, unless I wake up super late and my class starts in half an hour. Find a therapist, yes, that too. I have to find another one and stay on track. Stop self-destructing. Yes, I’m on that road. I also want to micro-dose and do ayahuasca. But it’s a road, oh! It’s a road! A roller-coaster, rather.
Life is beautiful, I’m aware. Single or not, mother or not, thin or not, green-thumb or not, good daughter/sister/aunt/cousin/niece/friend/neighbor/employee or not, life is beautiful (a struggle, but beautiful).
After questioning the world and myself for everything, after having considered all the possibilities, I inevitably arrive to the same conclusion, solution and petition: the only way for a real change is for the extraterrestrials to manifest themselves. Salgan ya, marcianos! Ya!
Cafecito with a View 